all the little kids in my neighborhood get together and play all the time and today theyre playing tag boys vs girls and the girls team was standing outside my window in a huddle and once they were done deciding their tactics and strategies they ended their huddle by screaming GIRL POWER LETS GO LETS KICK SOME ASS LETS CHOP OFF THEIR PENISES WITH A CHAINSAW and theyre like 5-10 years old omg

(Source: atheistmingle)

something my cousin and i like to do whenever we get together is go onto match.com or like eharmony or something and make a fake profile and then we look for some random guy on there and make all our interests the same interests as theirs and we send them a request and they think they found their dream girl and then we tell them to meet us at like a starbucks or something at 8 o clock and tell them we’ll be wearing like a blue scarf and a yellow shirt and then we drive to the starbucks wearing completely different stuff and we see them show up with flowers and candy and stuff and we watch him wait for his dream girl and one time this guy waited like 3 hours before he finally came to the conclusion that the girl wasnt going to show up and omg i cant believe we do this we actually have a problem we are such bitches

i remember in 5th grade all the girls were talking about how they have secret admirers around valentines day and how they are surprised with chocolates and flowers on their doorstep the week leading up to valentines day and i knew a boy wouldnt do that for me so i actually went to the store by myself and bought myself chocolates and flowers and i put them and a love letter on my doorstep and i pretended that they were from a secret admirer and i even had my parents believing that someone left them for me and i brought them to school and the main bitch was like you probs bought those for yourself and i started crying a little bit because i really did buy them for myself

i dont think i could ever delete my tumblr because i feel like i have an emotional attachment to all you guys so if i deleted and was to never see/talk to you again it would feel like an entire chunk of family just like died and i would stay up at night for the next 50 years wondering how youre doing and if youve accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish in your life time and if you ever found someone willing to have kids/marry you and how your family is doing and if you still live in the same place or if you still live in your room idk where this is going anymore im just angrily typing but i miss you guys when im not on the interweb and its almost concerning because i really shouldnt be this emotionally attached to people ive never met anymore i mean for all i know you guys could be stealing your pictures from a site model website and youre all actually 50 year old pedophiles and this is an episode of to catch a predator what am i even doing in life WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE idk what im doing okay but i love you guys its almost unhealthy 

on my first day of work at mcdonalds a little girl came in with her dad and when i asked what she wanted she told me the party pack 50 piece chicken mcnugget and her dad was like no sweetheart you cant eat that much and she screamed YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY ABILITIES and then kicked her dad in the balls and he fell to the floor and she was only like 6 years old omg

ok when my parents first got divorced my mom was going through a depression because she had to live in a trailer thing and so she got a cat named delilah to keep her company and she was a whore cat that slept with every boy cat in the neighborhood and she got pregnant all the time but my mom had no money to get her fixed and so at one point in time my moms trailer had like 40 cats/kittens in it i bullshit you not and she was crazy and wanted to keep all of them but then the aspca came to her trailer and like took all of them except 2 kittens and my mom was going crazy like hiding kittens in the woods and stuff and it turns out we had around 57 kittens all around the house and that was one of the darkest times of my childhood

okay so last night two of my friends and i got really high and then went to rock n bowl which is at a bowling alley and they shut off all the lights and the balls and pins glow in the dark and they blast music and have strobe lights and stuff and we hung out with a bunch of guys that go to our school and when i went up to bowl for the first time i walked all the way down the bowling alley to the pins and knocked all the pins over with my foot and i wasnt exactly sure what i was doing and my foot got caught in the gutter thing and the managers had to help me get out and i peed my pants laughing so hard i am not kidding my pants were soaked and i reeked of marijuana and urine

today in health class we were discussing fetishes and this boy in my grade said he wanted to fill a girls vag with purple food coloring so when they have sex it will turn his penis purple because he likes purple a lot and everyone said ew gross omg except me

except me 

have i told you guys before that i was almost kidnapped okay well now i am so in 4th grade we had a class field trip to this island off of seattle and to get there we had to take a bus, a boat, and a ferry, and on the big public ferry my group had a really shitty parent chaperone and she pretty much let us go buckwild on the fucking boat and we decided to go play hide n go seek and so we all split up and realized that one of us was missing so we decided to look in the bathroom and there was this really crazy coke-head lady in there and she was like “hey kids what are you doing who are you looking for where are you parents” and i honestly wanted to tell the bitch to fuck off because we had just talked about stranger danger earlier that week but then again before i left to school that morning my dad told me to be respectful of adults so i was being nice but then all of a sudden she grabbed all of my friends’ wrists including mine and dragged us down to her car that was downstairs and all of us didnt say a word because we were like in a daze and in shock but luckily someone that just got done pooping or something was like “hey crazy lady no way all those kids are yours” and so she called the cops and turns out she had cocaine in her purse and i think shes still in prison not sure though

but why the fuck havnt i been on an episode of “i survived..” yet seriously smh

in 6th grade i tried to give myself bangs like dakota fanning had because i was going through a stage where i was pretty much obsessed with dakota fanning but anyways i ended up giving myself a mullet and every night at dinner for the next month my dad encouraged my family to sing i want my mullet back by billy ray cyrus and i was almost suicidal true story